By: Katie Bingner, MS, LCPC and Mental Health Ambassador for RFP
First responders face intense and often traumatic experiences as part of their job. Whether responding to a devastating accident, a violent encounter, or a distressing medical emergency, these events will take an emotional toll that extends far beyond the end of their shift. As their partner, knowing how to provide meaningful support can make a significant difference in their ability to process and recover from these experiences. Moreover, effective mutual support I a partnership acts to deepen shared intimacy, by building trust and resilience within the relationship.
Here are some practical strategies to help you offer comfort, understanding, and stability when your first responder partner comes home after a critical incident or tough call.
1. Understand the Impact of Critical Incidents
Critical incidents are high-stress events that overwhelm a responder’s usual ability to cope. They may include:
• Witnessing death or serious injury
• Experiencing a close call or near-death situation
• Responding to incidents involving children
• Facing violence or aggression firsthand
These experiences can leave responders feeling overwhelmed, anxious, irritable, or emotionally numb. Understanding this impact allows you to meet your partner with empathy rather than frustration or confusion.
Adjusting expectations is a key piece of this puzzle. This, however, can also prove very difficult from some partners, especially when they feel like they are constantly having to “moving the bar” lower and lower, in order to need less and less from their overworked and emotionally taxed first responder. This is where good boundaries comes in! Learning how to assess your own needs (including negotiables and non-negotiables) will help you recalibrate your bar, so to speak. This way, rather than constantly adjusting for (and building resentment toward) your first responder, there is more equity —give and take— that is expected from both partners and then, when you’re first responder needs more support, you’ll have more to give.
But keep in mind, this probably won’t look like 50/50 (and that’s OK).
2. Create a Safe Space for Unwinding
After a difficult shift, your partner will need decompression time and may not be ready to talk right away — it’s important to respect that. Rather than asking for details or pushing them to open up, focus on creating a calm, supportive environment where they feel safe to decompress. Take it from a trauma-informed mental health professional, talking things out is not always the right approach when coping with trauma.
Ways to create that space:
• Greet them warmly, lean into non-verbal and physical cues like a hug, a kiss, and a smile, rather than much or any verbal engagement.
• Offer comfort through simple gestures like preparing a meal, drawing a warm bath, or taking care of a task they are usually responsible for.
• Silence can be a salve — agree on time and space for them be alone before they are expected to engage. Their nervous system may be hypersensitive to sounds, smells, light, etc.; do what you can to reduce whatever sensory stimuli may be overwhelming (which can make for a calming environment for you too!).
3. Let Them Lead the Conversation
When your partner is ready to talk, focus on listening rather than fixing. Resist the urge to ask, “What happened?” unless they indicate they want to share.Instead, try gentle, open-ended questions like:
• “How are you feeling right now?”
• “Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather focus on something else?”
• “What do you need from me right now?”
This approach gives your partner the freedom to express their feelings at their own pace without pressure. It also helps you gain insight about what strategies could be most helpful to use in the future.
4. Avoid Dismissing or Minimizing Their Experience
Even if the details seem routine or “part of the job,” remember that their emotional response is valid. Comments like, “Well, you knew this was part of the job,” or “At least no one got hurt,” — while well-intentioned — can feel dismissive.
Instead, offer empathy:
• “That sounds incredibly hard. Just know I’m here for you.”
• “I can’t imagine what that was like, but I’m glad you’re home safe.”
• “I’m proud of you for handling such a tough situation.”
Validating their feelings helps reduce isolation and encourages emotional processing. If you do feel inclined in that moment to remind them that they chose this profession, it’s a good indication you’re holding resentment toward your partner about the job that, if not addressed, will likely get worse and interfere more with your bond over time.
5. Encourage Healthy Coping Strategies
While your partner may lean on coping mechanisms like withdrawal, alcohol, or emotional detachment, these responses can worsen long-term stress. Gently encourage healthier outlets, while also accepting you cannot control what they ultimately choose to do. Some ideas include:
• Movement: Invite them for a walk, bike ride, or workout
• Creative Outlets: Hobbies like painting, working on a project, listening to or creating music, and writing can help process emotions (without talking about it - which can be much more appealing to them)
• Connection: Encourage time with trusted friends, family, or fellow first responders who understand the challenges they face. If they have a therapist, suggesting an earlier session can also be helpful.
6. Know When to Encourage Professional Support
Some critical incidents may cause lasting distress that requires additional help. Furthermore, over time, unprocessed critical incidents can add up to cause cumulative post-traumatic stress, compounding internal distress and increasing the need for fast (but often not very healthy) ways of coping. If you notice persistent changes in their mood, behavior, or sleep patterns, encourage them to connect with a therapist or peer support group.
Signs they may need extra support include:
• Frequent nightmares or flashbacks
• Emotional outbursts or withdrawal
• Increased irritability or aggression
• Difficulty returning to their normal routines
Remind your partner that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It’s also important to know that seeking help won’t mean losing their job - thousands of first responders engage in therapy! But if they are concerned about privacy, they may feel more at ease seeking a provider in private practice who specializes in or is well-informed about first responders.
7. Take Care of Yourself, Too
Supporting someone through trauma is emotionally exhausting. It’s vital that you don’t overlook your own needs in the process. Make time to connect with your own support system, set boundaries when you’re feeling overwhelmed and have unmet needs, and engage in activities that restore your energy and bring you joy.
Remember: You can’t pour from an empty cup — caring for yourself is crucial to being an effective support system for your partner.
Final Thoughts
Being the partner of a first responder means navigating moments of strength, resilience, and sometimes pain. By offering empathy, patience, and understanding, you become a powerful anchor in your partner’s recovery and resilience. While you can’t erase what they’ve witnessed, your support can provide a sense of safety, stability and comfort as they heal.
If you’re feeling unsure about how to support your partner, know that you’re not alone — connecting with other first responder families, peer support groups, or mental health professionals can offer additional guidance and encouragement. To explore support resources, check out our Mental Health Resources page HERE: https://www.respondersforpride.org/services-3.
Katie Bingner is a trauma-informed integrative licensed mental health counselor and communication coach passionate about help others navigate the legacy of personal trauma that life tends to leave behind. She is an avid animal advocate, social justice activist and loves walking her dogs, cooking and read reading queer romance novels for self-care. Find out more about Katie and her services at https://katiebingner.com/.
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